Memories (some half baked thoughts)

Memories….. off the God’s gifts which differentiates us from other life forms, it is a gift which makes us a “human”. Mind captures unlimited of these over a period of time, we declare some as good, some as bad, some as sad, some as embarrassing, some as painful, etc etc…..Well I was reading a book few hours back and where the protagonist is writing about his memories from the past and it got me thinking – there is actually another way of classifying these:-

     -  First type is the one which we recall / recreate / remember with our open eyes – like in a laboratory, like performing some science experiment, trying to recall the exact steps, exact scenario in a way to relive the moment.

         -  The second type is the one which we recall with our eyes closed. These do not require anything at all, recalling these do not even require any effort from mind at all. They are always there and closing of eyes is all needed to bring them back. These are never precise and are always like a blur, these bring the emotions in us.

Among the about two types – we often misjudge - which are more important, according to me it is always the second type which play a more crucial role in anything we do, anyway we react. The first ones may help in achieving the success and the materialist things but the second ones help us in evolving our self from emotional and physiological standpoint. It does not matter after a certain point of time if you remember the answers to materialist questions but what makes the life beautiful is recalling the moments which you had with your family and friends - your first crush, your first bunk from classes, first night out with friends, your first kiss, the time when you held your kid for the first time, etc etc…These are the moment which add beauty to life.

Yes there will be some very painful ones which may scar you for rest of your life like losing a loved one before time, but the important part is asking yourself what would you prefer – have the loved ones for time being in your life or not having them at all. Face these unwanted and painful events like an eruption of a volcano – when it erupts in the vicinity of life, it kills all of it but at the same time it also creates new fertile grounds so that something new can grow and replace the old. There is nothing to feel bad in loving someone who is not with you now, but if you see from the perspective of the lost one – did he or she wanted you to live the life the way you are? If not then it is time to clean at least a cornet if not the complete room of the heart which is not occupied from a long long time and to see if some one can fill that space…..

Bottom line – Do not run from the memories, but do not remain hung over these as well, cherish the good times from the past and look forward to create some new ones in the future….

~lokesh v (XXI)

Journey to Deepawali

Keshav was never fond of traveling and hated to travel every second weekend from Delhi to Ahmedabad but the choices were limited for him as his family was settled in Ahmedabad with his wife and kid and job opportunities were negligible there. This was the first time in his life when he was away from his family, he was born and grown in the same city and even his college years were been spend in same city. He didn’t had any siblings and his mother had expired long time back in his childhood days, his father owned a grocery store and was getting too old to move from places to places, his wife Karuna was a homely by nature and her life revolved around taking care of daily chores at home along with taking care of their 2 years old daughter Meera.

Though Keshav was older than Karuna by few years but they were friends from the child hood days and  during their teen years their fondness for each other evolved in to love and they ended up marrying each other. Post his college days Keshav spend couple of years at his father shop but earnings from the shop were not good enough to support the family, left with no other option he started looking for the a job and ended up with the sales profile for a retail company in Delhi. It was not paying much but in hard times whatever was available was not supposed to be ignored. This was the first experience for Keshav to be all by himself and going back to his family on bi-weekly or monthly basis. His days were long and busy and most part of the days were spending in either moving from place to place within the city or choking on the wrath from his Customers. These were not the good times for him and had started taking toll on his health and mood. He appeared far angrier than his earlier days and his daughter was a bit too much scared to some to him in those rare times which he used to get to spend with his family. Karuna was also losing sheen on her face and the glow which was visible on her face till few months back was almost gone now, may be the strong winds of time was getting  better of them over all these years.

It was the Deepawali time and he was not able to book the train ticket in advance since his sales target were still not met and was not sure when he will be able to leave. It was only after he received a one hour long lecture from his Sales manager he was allowed to go to his home for the weekend. Moving from one place to another place in Delhi was a big challenge during festive times, but the thing which worked out well was for him was his rented accommodation in a shared PG around Paharganj area which was like a stone’s throw from railway station. It was not a good place to live and was a lot dirtier than his home with no arrangement to cook food and wash/dry clothes but it was a lot cheaper than other places in Delhi and very near to the railway station which helped him in saving money and time.

He reached the railway station just in time and train came within 2 mins of his arrival on the platform. Since he neither had the luxury of the reserved seat nor had the money to bribe his way out in getting a reserved seat he started the tussle of getting in to the unreserved compartment - it was difficult, even for a recently turned frequent traveler like him, the crowd in the compartment was more agitated than usual and was trying their level's best to push back the huge sea of crowd from trying to get inside.  Still somehow he got succeeded in getting inside the compartment but was not able to move beyond the toilet gate at the beginning of the compartment, once the train stated he managed to spread the newspaper he was carrying on the floor and find just sufficient place to sit on it. He knew it was a long journey but hoped that crowd will ease out after some time and good number of it may get off around Mathura.

With in few hours into the journey and most of the crowd settled, his mind started wandering in to the direction which he never wanted. He looked around trying to change his thought process but there was nothing which could cheer his mood, all the faces he was looking at appeared glum as if they all were losing their battle with life slowly and steadily. It was dark outside by now and he was feeling a bit hungry as well, he had some bread and biscuits with him which he carried to avoid spending money during the journey, he munched on those along with the tea.

He had traveled many times on the same train but this time he was feeling a lot different, he felt as if he had lost it, as if there was a void inside him which was growing moment by moment and time will come when this void will engulf him completely, he felt as if he needed to run away – run away from his job, from his ailing father, from Karuna, from Meera, from everything and everyone he knew off.  He tried to catch up some sleep, it was not easy – not because of the noise from the people in the compartment as most of them were already asleep or because of the cyclic rhythms of the wheels where every forth stoke made a different sound than the previous three stokes but it was difficult because of the cyclone of the thoughts brewing inside him, because he was still trying to come up to terms with life, the terms which he felt were really harsh on him and he did not deserved those, he wanted to quit, refuse to play the game which life was playing with him, he was feeling helpless and suffocated as if someone has reduced him to a miniature dummy and packed him inside a sealed bottle which he cannot break. He kept on fighting with his thought process and trying to sleep - the self conflict was draining him out from every bit of energy he had. His felt as if he is done and has left nothing inside him to give, as if he is empty; he was now contemplating with thoughts of committing suicide by jumping off from the train from the door which was just couple of feet away and was open most of the time so that people can smoke there or try to have a few moments of fresh air in the suffocating compartment.

He realized that though it is still dark outside but it is early morning and he'll be reaching his destination in an hour or two and if he wanted to end his life this was the time…. He moved towards the gate while not sure of jumping off it or not, the train was running fast and the early morning breeze was a lot cooler than the day time weather, he looked around to see if anyone was watching him, no one was - but he saw few guys gathered around one seat and the expressions on their faces were full of fear. Out of curiosity he moved towards them and saw the guys were glued while listening to a local radio station – it was about a breaking news of Anand Textiles factory @ G R Road catching fire couple of hours back due to some crackers and the whole area burning in to flames, there were a lot of casualties reported and fire brigade was still struggling to control the fire. Keshav was ice frozen now, he knew the factory mentioned was just a block away from his home. He suddenly felt as if something cold, very cold which can freeze his bones is entering in his body and soul, the images of Meera, Karuna and his father were floating in front of him. He was struggling to stay on his feet and with trembling movements came back to the spread news paper where he was sitting. He was scared now, not because of the fire but because he just realized that his family may not be alive by now and he was experiencing the same pain now which his family would have suffered if he would have jumped off the train few moments back – he was the victim and the culprit; Victim for the probable loss and culprit for the thoughts of ending his life to run away from all the probing questions life was asking him. He tried to scream but as if his vocal cords refused to budge, he was weeping from fear, remorse and regret but his eyes were stoned. He had now realized the value of life and what it meant to others. There was nothing which can be done now but to wait till the train reaches the city, he was helpless and had to spend his time in the mixed bag of feelings full of regret, remorse, fear and love for his family.

Train reached the city with the first rays of sunrise and before he realized he was running to his home, he cannot wait for a rickshaw or bus; he had to reach his home and reach there as fast as possible. He reached his home after running like a mad man for 20 – 25 mins and once he reached at his front porch - he saw there was not much of the home left, everything was burned down to ashes. Fire brigade was still at the other end of the block still trying to control the fire. He shrieked in pain – pain of losing his daughter, wife and father, and then suddenly he felt a gentle tap on his leg. It was Meera, tapping his leg asking him with her sweet half audible voice to pick her up. Her face was dirty with the patches of ashes but her eyes were full of innocence looking at him. Then is saw Karuna was running towards him as well from a distance – his family was safe!!! He bent down on his knees and hugged Meera like he had hugged her for the first time, his was weeping profusely now -  his tears were flowing like water dripping from a full glass. The tears were not of remorse or pain - they were of joy and happiness. He knew he had learned his lesson and though he may have lost most of the materialistic things but he still had which mattered the most. It was Deepawali morning, and for him it was in truest sense a day to celebrate joy, happiness and cherishing.

~lokesh v. (XX)

Sapney

My two cents of advise to my friends who pin up there hopes too much on dreams and end up with broken heart. I'm not pessimistic but advising to keep just a reality check to avoid pain when reality strikes...

Sapno kee is kushnama mausam maine

dikhte hai kushioo kee kush chadiyee naayi

naa jaane kaaha see aayi hai yeh

paar gun-guna raahi hai aashaoo kee geet kaahi

naa bandhne kee koshish karna inko

aapni umagoo kee pinjar maine

kaahi khoo naa jaaye inka madhur sangeet

teere umeedo kee chaya maine

         

~lokesh v. (XIX)

Dil-e-Majboor

Its Friday dear, chalo aaj kuch roomani likhte hai…..

Dil-e-Majboor

“

Bekudhi kaa aalam yeh bhi hooga soocha naa tha,

Khamooshi kaa aalam yeh bhi hooga soocha naa tha

Woo rehte hai mashgool aapni hee shokhiyon maine,

Aab kaise kaare ikraar–e–mohabbat unse aur kaise baatayee

Hamaari aakhooo ki roshaniye hai unki nazaar see,

Hamaari dil ki dhadkan hai unki saaso see

Unki ek muskurahat see mausam roomani hoota hai,

unki nazaaro maine aaya shabnam chubha jaata hai dil maine ek teehkhi faak

Hum naa saahi unke ghulam iss duniya maine,

par kya kaare is dil-e-majboor kaa

Jisne kabool kar liya hai ghulami ka manzar,

is duniya kee rehmat koo chood kar

         

”

~lokesh v. (XVIII)

~lokesh v. (XVI)

Vocab (in context of above)

Bekhudi=unconsciousness / unawareness of situation or emotions

Khamooshi = silence

Aalam=One who has the rule

Soocha=thought

Mashgool=occupied

Shokhiyon=mischiefs

ikraar–e–mohabbat=confession of love

Roshaniye=light in the eyes

Dhadkan=heartbeat

Saaso=breath

Muskurahat=smile

Mausam=weather

Romani=romantic

shabnam = tears

chubha=pinch

teekhi=sharp

faak=thorn

ghulam=slave

dil-e-majboor=love sick heart

kabool=agreed / chosen

manzar=view / sight / scene

rehmat=compassion

Stale Coffee

Another weekend, another night.  Let me do something different today, lets write a short story instead of poetry; so here I come taking my first short at writing some sort of a story – let’s see how it pans out….

Stale Coffee

Jay never enjoyed coming back to Miami, though he had spent a lot of time during his college years in the city but since then he never felt comfortable in the shadow of Miami. It was difficult to convince his client to meet at his branch office when all the required game players were in the head office next to the beach in Miami. His line of business has never given him much room to choose the rules of the game he played – usually these were decided by the comfort of his clients. He was pretty successful in the business. Though the economic slowdown has some impact on him as well but he was better off than a lot of mates he has known. 

The cab driver was mid aged Mexican – he looked tired with the day’s work and it appeared as if he was looking for his last customer of the day before going back to his home and relaxing with the cold six pack of Carona’s. He kept on complaining about the city traffic most of time and told him it will take more than 90 mins to get him to the Marriott as it was peak traffic time on the highway and traffic was barely moving. Waiting all this time in the cab Jay already started regretting coming back here and that old unflinching feeling came crawling back, suffocating him with the memories of the past as if the stale wind was blowing right though his soul and leaving behind a pungent smell of the past events. He opened up the window of the cab but it didn’t helped either, the traffic was too much to have any kind of positive impact on him, he closed the window after 5 mins only and cabbie gave him the look as if cursing him in a monotone saying “I told you so…..”.

It was spring time of the year and the streets were full of the young teens in their adolescent years having fun of their lives. While coming from the airport to the hotel he saw young couples walking along the road holding hands in hands enjoying the sun set; On reaching the hotel he got his checkin formalities sorted out as soon as possible with the minimal exchange of words with the reception, he was feeling as if the town has refused to greet him and giving him the silent treatment like and uninvited guest at a party.  He went to his room straight away almost jogging, the room was okay and the window opened directly in to the sea view of South Beach. Sun was almost setting and many shades of yellow and crimson were occupying the sky, sea was looking grey as if a unending slab of limestone has been laid across and the waves of water are thrown on it by someone standing at the other side of the shore in an effort to clean all the sand of it. He opened the window and the suddenly the cool sea breeze pinched him all over his body, it was unusually cooler for this time of the year but it helped him in a way of bringing back his mid to present from the automatic mechanical movement he was performing since he entered the hotel. He just realized that he should take a quick shower thinking if the time permits he should visit his favorite sea side joint to gorge on the fish fillet burger with the side of shrimps he loved.

He entered the place – nothing much have appeared to be changed in last five years, it was the same interiors, the same tables and chairs and the same classics being played on the juke box located at the corner next to the facilities. The place was less crowded then the past he thought; maybe it was due to the fact that a lot of new pubs have opened across the street offering young teens opportunity for the binge drinking. He looked around the tables - there were no familiar faces, this helped him relax as he was not planning in getting in touch with any one from the past. He found a small table at the end of deck and moved there slowly there.  It was quite part of the deck and the nearby tables were all empty, he looked at the menu, it was the same, it gave him the feeling of comfort as well as made him nostalgic at the same time.

He ordered his usual and ate it up pretty quickly as well. After meal he decided to stick around for a cup of coffee, he still needed to work on the presentation for tomorrow morning as flight from Texas to Miami was not sufficient for him to prepare the same for the client meeting and it still needed the final touchups to make the kill tomorrow morning.

The waiter who was a young boy in his teens served him the cup and asked if needed more cream or sugar. He looked at him and for the first time he actually noticed his face. He was a young boy in his late teens probably going to college, had good build, blond hair – not short but not long as well, hazel brown eyes, there was a flair of innocence around him which suddenly reminded him of his good old days when he used to flip burger in the beach side cafes to earn some extra cash during spring break; he told him he will need some cream in a smiling polite manner and waiter moved out to get him the cream.

Sun was set long back and he was sipping his coffee slowly and thinking about the work which needs to be done on the presentation and going over and over again in his mind the core issues which require the at most attention during the tomorrow discussion. Suddenly he noticed some one has came, looking at the menu card and giving order to the same waiter, sitting couple of tables away from him. It was difficult to see the face as lights were always dull on the deck, but the voice of the person sheared his thought process right away. This was the voice of the person who he was dreading and dying to hear at the same time. It was Ananya!!!. His first thoughts were of the panic and looking for the ways to exit without being noticed while thinking how Ananya would react seeing him here, after all they had so much history behind them, still he sat there frozen  - like a frozen deer on a highway on a dark night. He felt as if all the eyes in the cafes were suddenly looking at him – asking him the questions which were haunting him for last five years and he dreaded to answer. 

Slowly he regrouped himself and realized she had not seen him as she was sitting with her back towards him. He noticed she was looking beautiful as ever, her long black hair were now trimmed to the shoulder length, she was wearing jeans and some old pink tee, she was not wearing anything warm but carrying a denim jacket with her hanging between the straps of her bag, which in turn was hanging on her chair’s back. She was not the same college gal as he remembered her but the time had added grace to her. He suddenly felt as if he has been moved on to a new universe where his sole existence depended upon talking to her and she was not even aware of the him, as if a wall of bitter harsh past has created a kind of a see through mirror between them where he can see her but she does not have a clue about his presence.  He started thinking now – Shall he go and talk with her, let her know that he is there in the town, how he is feeling, what he felt when he loved her, what he felt when they broke up, how he has felt every morning since last five years…. He did not had the courage, he felt naked - as if someone has stripped him off of all the guts, charisma and confidence by which he has won many hearts in few moments. Still it was an opportunity to make amends, to change his present and future, if he wanted even to a remote shot at peace of mind this was the moment, he had to talk with her, explain her how thing went from bad to worse between them, why he left without letting anyone know where he is going after the fight they had. Time was passing by very very slowly as if was presenting him the opportunity, he suddenly felt the old flame coming back from the past, he realized he still felt the same (may be even more) about her and it was his anger at himself for messing up things so bad that was stopping him from coming back in Miami, he was in denial till now, and still even a glimpse of Ananya was good enough to bring him back to the true reality and on his knees seeking forgiveness. He decided to go to her and take his shot. We walked towards her, holding coffee in his hand and thinking about the reactions which he will provoke on seeing him, he was taking small steps. When he reached behind her back he realized she was holding a young baby in her lap and talking with someone over phone, he did not heard the words but realized she was married and talking with her husband who was parking his car somewhere nearby. Suddenly he felt his coffee was stale, so stale that he can not have a sip of it … He moved back slowly in to his dark table realizing deep inside his heart that his only chance of having peace and happiness is now gone…..

~lokesh v. (XVII)

Berukhi

Some quick scribing which I did during the boring meeting (ssshhh.. don’t tell any one…. ;) ha ha ha...)

“

Nazaar kee baatein hootho par mat aane do

Berukhi kaa aalam khayalo par mat chaane doo

Jaasbaat to jaasbaat hai, rehne do inhe dil kee agosh maine

Joo izhaar-e-dil bayaan kar diya tune to kya hooga jaane

Marhoom hoo naa jaaye kahin unki berukhi see bhi

”

~lokesh v. (XVI)

Vocab

Nazaar=sight

Hootho=lips

Berukhi=aloofness often caused by anger or indifference

Aalam=world

Khayalo=thoughts

Jaasbaat=feelings

Dil=heart

Aagoosh=embrace

Izhaar-e-dil=expressing feelings of heart

Marhoom= to be deprived of something